miracles and crosses

trying to understand myself a little bit more after my heart stopped for the second time.

After my heart stopped for the second time, I was surprisingly calm about it. On the morning of the 4th of July, I passed out in my bed and when I woke up a few seconds later, part of me knew my heart had stopped so I sent my data to my doctors through an app on my phone. I didn't want to really deal with the drama of it all that day, I was going to see my friends later that night for a party and frankly I didn't want this to affect those plans so I continued my day like it didn't happen. I wanted to stay in denial for as long as I could so, I didn't tell anyone and definitely didn't call my doctors for clarity.

The next morning, while dropping my friend back home from brunch, my doctor called and let me know that my suspicions were right. My heart had stopped again for no reason except just because I have a heart condition. I didn't do anything differently than I usually do that could've caused this. The doctor told me everything worked correctly, my pacemaker only took one try to bring me back to life and they likely won't do much on their end besides a couple tests.

Shortly after getting that phone call, I made a joke on my private story about this occurrence and my dms were flooded with worried messages and check ups. I don't fully know why I decided to let my circle of friends know this happened. I mean, at the end of the day I was ok. Why do I make my friends worry about me? This didn't cause the need for any surgeries or long term effects. So then why did I decide to announce to the world what had happened? It feels a bit selfish and self centered. I could have kept it to myself. I could've just carried on with my life like I did the day before before the doctor's confirmation.The easy answer would be to say I wanted attention. That I wanted everyone to reach out and have sympathy for me. And yes, I would be lying if I didn't admit I had hoped a certain somebody in my life would reach out and check in.

But honestly I think it was more than that. I was struggling to process what feelings I should be having about this situation at the moment. I felt numb about the situation. What had happened was scary and isolating and yet I was having this strange delayed reaction to it. I think by letting the world (my close friend's story) know, I was trying to outreach what I should be feeling to others. I was giving them the information and by reading their reaction it would reflect what I should be feeling. I mean this didn't work and I shouldn't do this.

I eventually did feel what I was waiting for. After the stress test, my doctor sat me down and told me, “If your defibrillator wasn't there that morning you would be dead.” On the drive home alone I listened to Miracles by Alex G on repeat and cried for about 30 minutes. 

 It reminded me how weak I really am in the grand scheme of things. I get scared sometimes when I drive because part of me knows if my heart decides to stop on the road I could get into a car accident. Or if a barista was tired that day and accidentally gave me a regular instead of a decaf my life would be in danger. I try not to be anxious about this all the time because it's not a fun way to go about life. But sometimes it's so hard and something about this recent incident where I can't point it back to something to blame makes it harder.

I wish I had a better grasp on my emotions. I don't know why sometimes it feels like a delayed reaction and other times it feels like an overreaction. I know I have gotten better and will continue to get better. I mean, this week was a lot. I lost my debit card, I had no internet, and no ac on the first week of school and yet, the skin around my nails is ok and every time I felt a spiral coming, I worked out or journaled instead. I am not perfect and will continue to be, “too much” at times but I think I am going in a good direction. I will be ok in the grand scheme of things. 

Frankly, I don't really know why I have been writing on this substack. For all I know I am coming off as a crazy person and will look at all this in a few months and groan. If I am, don’t be afraid to let me know. A real friend would be honest. All I know is that it just feels good right now in this moment to have a creative outlet and feel like I'm talking to someone.

Thanks for reading.

Love ya,

Rowan

Whenever I feel hopeless I listen to miracles as a reminder it gets better! :)